With a Little Help from My Friends

Making a Friendship

While I'm an avid plotter like Pat and it's done a lot to help me as a writer, when I really thought about what is "the most useful writing craft idea I've ever found", it isn't plotting, it isn't an idea or a craft.  It's friends.

When I came into this writing thing, my goal was to see if I could actually write a romance.  I'd bounced back into reading them after a long spell and discovered I enjoyed them.  Really enjoyed them.  A far cry from Stephen King books, for sure.  So I sat down and wrote, mostly longhand, a romance novel.  I liked it!  I really liked it!  Not that it was a great story, but it was fun and I wanted to write more.

Sometime later, I actually had an odd thought.  Maybe I could become a real author with this new found enjoyment.  I checked out books, I bought books, everything I could find on how to write a romance and what to do after it was written. And in the back of one of those books--Romance Writer's Sourcebook--I found information on Romance Writers of America (RWA).  My interest skyrocketed.

This was before the internet became what it is today, but as soon as I learned that my then-husband had been using the World Wide Web for some time---we won't talk about what happened when I found the charge listed on the credit card for it---I demanded I get a chance to give it a try.  I honestly don't remember how, but I found a romance writers chatroom.  I read it for weeks, never typing a word to interact with the others, just reading their conversations.  Not until my birthday, that is, when I decided, what the heck.  Introduce yourself, silly.  In that chatroom, I found people who were actually writing and seeking publication.  One of those people just happened to be an RWA member and a Golden Heart Finalist, who was going to the National RWA conference in Dallas in a little over a month.  I, too, decided that one way or another I would be at that conference.  I called RWA, paid a new membership fee and conference fee, booked a flight, a hotel room and a rental car, and informed the then-husband that I was going to Dallas.  He nearly fell off the combine, where he was standing.

Kat and moi on the road trip to DC 2000 Conference

I'll never forget how nervous I was, but when Kathie DeNosky, the Golden Heart Finalist from that
chatroom, came up behind me to introduce herself as I stood in line to register, it became one of the biggest turning points in my life.  (Note:  I'd told her what I'd be wearing and she'd been watching for me.)  We bonded instantly, and I swore to her that I would hang onto her shirttail forever.  I did, and still do.  She sold her first book to Silhouette Desire on June 14 (my birthday), three years later.  I sold my first to Silhouette Romance on April 3, 2000.

Along the way, we met and made friends with many romance writers, both published and yet-to-be-published.  Janet Barton, who now writes for Love Inspired, became one of our dearest friends, as did Belinda Barnes, who sold to Silhouette Romance before I did.  We critiqued together, we brainstormed together, we consoled and celebrated together.  Kat (Kathie) and I logged more times on the phone (me in Kansas, she in Illinois) with each other than two people ever should.  If it hadn't been for those three ladies, I would have thrown in the towel, dozens of times.  We shared good times and bad times, and even a few secrets.

Although we no longer spend anywhere near the time on the phone as we did in the past, Kat and I are still often in touch.  We brainstorm (along with chitcat and gossip) via phone (3-way calls) with Kristi Gold (Desire, SuperRomance, and back to Desire) in Texas, who once critiqued with Belinda Barnes.  Yes, it's a small world.

But it isn't just the ones I've mentioned that have inspired me along the road of writing.  It's also the many members of WARA I've been blessed to know, throughout the past seventeen years.  I love ya, ladies!

Writing is like making a quilt.  You can do it alone, or you can do it with friends.  Honestly? Both quilting and life are much better enjoyed with friends.

We Are Women, See Us Write

Earlier this month, in answer to the topic, I wrote that I am a writer.  But that's only a part of me, as it is for every person on this blog and those who read it and those who comment on it.

While those of us who blog here are writers, that isn't all we are.  We are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters-in-law and wives.  We're single, divorced, widowed and married.  We work both outside the home and inside the home.  But the one thing we share is writing, and that's what's brought us together.

Take a picture of us all together, and you'll see the many differences.  Young, middle-aged, and older.  Blonde hair, brown hair, red hair and gray.  Tall, short, round and slim.  Yes, we're different, but we share one thing.  We are writers.

We're hard on ourselves.  Even after being published for 12 years, I still have difficulty telling strangers I'm a writer.  Forget about telling them I'm a published author.  Sure, in a group it's easy, even on the blog.  But on my own?  Live and in person?  Uh, no. ☺  Why?  Most people don't believe it.  Some people smirk in a "sure, you are" kind of way.  Others, like our own Penny Rader, encourage us to join WARA. (Thank you, Penny!)  And even others are excited and ask questions.  All of that has an affect on us, on our perceptions of ourselves.

We are who we are, each little part of us.

We look in a mirror and see what we believe is what others see, and even that is skewed by our own perceptions of ourselves.  Others see us in different ways.  There was a recent video posted to Facebook that was made in conjunction with Dove® soap/beauty products.  MSN carried it on their website.  Below is the introduction and a link to the video.  It's amazing!

Thanks, Dove, for this inspiring social experiment. In the video, various women show up separately to be drawn by a forensic artist who never sees them — the artist sketches them based on each woman's description of herself, then does another sketch based on how strangers describe each woman. Watching these ladies confront their less-attractive views of themselves before glimpsing the very different image of what a stranger sees is enough to bring on the tears. If you've never wished you had a different nose, brighter eyes or a better chin, you belong to an elite group of women who think they're beautiful — a measly 4 percent globally, according to Dove. So watch closely and stop giving yourself such a hard time.

 http://now.msn.com/dove-real-beauty-video-shows-women-they-are-beautiful

We see what we want to see: the blemishes, the dark circles, the wrinkles, the extra pounds.  We see our weaknesses, not only physical but internal, our fears.  What we don't see, and what others seem to glimpse, is our strength, humor, passion and love.  As writers, those are the things we convey in our words and stories.  We give our characters what we see in ourselves and our experiences in life and also the weaknesses we deal with or have dealt with in the past.  And then we strive to give our readers the happily-ever-afters that we all hope will be ours.

We are writers, and we've all come to it in different ways at different times for different reasons.

We are women.  We are strong, smart, funny and wise.

You Are Not Alone

Tomorrow is WARA's Mini-Retreat Part 2.  In other words, this is our second 1-day retreat of the year.  I'm really looking forward to it.  It's a great way to refill the well, kick-start a new project, find answers to perplexing plot or character problems, and, in general, have a good time with friends.

In our quest to blog about well refilling this month, we've focused mainly on things we do on our own and by ourselves.  Doing this really is important.  It's also something we shouldn't be doing at our desk or our laptop.  It really is based on getting away and putting some space between writing and self.  We need to take care of us.  When we do that, our writing will often take care of itself.

In addition to our private well-filling and self-nurturing, we need to remember that having friends is just as important.  Even stay-at-home-moms are encouraged to join groups such as Moms Day Out.  Being a hermit, whether chosen or by default, isn't healthy for the soul. We need other people to bring us out of ourselves, to see the world from the perspective of someone else, to expand mentally, emotionally, and creatively.

Groups are fun, especially groups that share an interest.  For a writer, a group can be the one thing that keeps her from giving up, dropping out, or being inert. Just listening to a group of writers---especially female writers!---can lift another write to the point of wanting and sometimes needing to write.  For a women, a group provides friendship, support, and fun.  Last month, four of us (three WARA members and a former member) met at a local movie theater to see Hope Springs.  It provided a wonderful way to get away from our usual venue, do a quick catch-up on what's going on in each other's lives, and enjoy not only the movie, but the company of friends.

If you're finding that refilling the well isn't going as you'd hoped it would, maybe it's time to pull in some help. Gather some friends together for a few hours and have fun.  When it's over, you might look down into that well and discover that it's brimming, once again.  One warning.  Don't make this a time to complain or grumble over the hurdles you're encountering in life.  Make this a time to look for the things that make you smile.  And then do it. ☺

Happiness adds and multiplies, as we divide it with others. -- A. Nielsen

Well Done

You can take the title of this blog post in a couple of ways:

The term "Well Done" can be praise for doing a good job at just about anything, such as, "This paper you turned in was well done."

It can also be a description of how something is cooked, as in, "How would you like that steak cooked?"  "Well done."

In my case at this point in time, my "Well Done" would be a combination of the two.  "This paper is cooked to a well done burnt crisp."

What does being burnt to a crisp have to do with refilling your creative well?  Anything and everything.

Everyone has heard the term Burned Out.  It can happen to anyone at any time.  As writers, we have our own special set of pressures.  For instance, to stay on deadline, whether that deadline is an individual choice we make or the decision of a publisher, as writers we quite often forget that there is something out there in addition to the "finish line."  We sometimes become so focused that we're consumed to the point of mental (and sometimes physical) exhaustion.

As women, we've been taught to be the nurturers.  The only problem with that is that, in the hustle and bustle of keeping a home, raising a family, and often working outside the home, the nurturing stops before it ever gets to us.  Who nurtures us?  Usually that falls to...us.  Add in being an artist---a person who creates, whether with words or paint or acting or clay or fabric...---and it doesn't take long for that well of creativity, that well of LIFE, to dry up.

From CNN article "Experts ponder link between creativity, mood disorders":

There have been more than 20 studies that suggest an increased rate of bipolar and depressive illnesses in highly creative people, says Kay Redfield Jamison, professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University and author of the "An Unquiet Mind," a memoir of living with bipolar disorder.

I don't know about the rest of you, but that's kind of scary.  So what do we do about this?

We refill that well.  We take steps to return to sanity.  Not an easy task when it comes to hearing conversations of characters in our heads. ☺

Refilling the well is simply taking a step back and away from the pressure we and others put on ourselves and us to create.  That step back can encompass something as big as a vacation or as small as listening to a favorite song.  Refilling the well is one of the most important things...that we ignore.

Where do we find information on refilling the well?

The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron is an excellent guide.  When talking about well refilling, this is one of the first guides that comes up in articles and conversation.  This 12-week course "in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self" takes time.  It can be worth it.

An excellent article to read is Filling the Well to Renew Our Creative Spirit at Womenfolk.com.  There are other articles there that are worth taking the time to read.

No time to read, but still in need of ideas?  Let's build a list of ways to Fill/Refill Our Well.  I'll start with these.  Feel free (please!) to add to it with your comments. :)

• Listen to music - Whether one or two songs, an album, or an entire playlist, music can lift our spirits, calm our nerves, send restful vibes, or create ideas.
• Dance - No, really.  Turn on the radio or any music that will get you on your feet and move.  It doesn't have to be for long.  A few minutes will get the blood circulating quicker, and produce endorphins.  
• Yoga/Meditation - Yeah, really.  It's been found that 10 minutes of meditation can refresh both the mind and body.
• Walking - Again, get the body moving.  Outside is best, if possible, because we get a dose of fresh air.  Try to make walking a habit.  It's not only good for the body, but good for the soul.
• Watch a movie - We have a collection of over 400 movies on DVD.  I'm ashamed to count how many I haven't even opened, much less watched.  That doesn't mean I don't have my favorite feel-goods that I've watched more than twice.  This is one I need on my well-filling list!
• Read a book - Not long ago, my reward for completing a big deadline was to read the latest book by Susan Elizabeth Phillips.  Reward yourself with a book by your favorite author.  It even beats Calgon. ☺
• Take a mini-vacation - Sometimes we just need to get away.  My best friend from high school lives in my old hometown and, like me, is now single.  In the past, I've spent a weekend with her once or twice a year, and it's always been a refreshing break, even when I know that when I get home I'll have to buckle down and get busy again.  An overnight in a hotel/motel can also be a refreshing change and a great getaway from family, too.
• Take an Artist Date - from the aforementioned Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way: "An artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist.  In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers."  An artist date is done alone.  Suggestions include visiting a junk shop, a museum, a park, a concert, and more.  These "dates" don't have to cost money.    Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities.
• For writing related activities to refill that well, try a WARA meeting.  Our retreats are especially great!  Or, if possible, attend a writers' conference.

There are many more ways to fill your well.  The trick is in doing them.  We're told all our lives that habits are bad.  Wrong!  Bad habits are bad.  Good habits are wonderful!  Sometimes even life-saving.  I'd like to be able to say that this next week, my refilling was well done, as in good job.  How about you?  

What will you do this week to refill your well?

Celebrating Women

Today the collective voice of women is being heard around the world, celebrating the progress we have made over the years.  At the same time, we in the U.S. celebrate the 101st birthday of Women's Right to Vote.  We are proud and grateful to those who went before us and fought to give us a voice.

We are women, hear us roar.

We are no longer the silent partners of men.  Every day, the voice of women is being heard, and one of the most powerful ways it is heard is through romance novels.

According to RWA (Romance Writers of America):

• Romance fiction generated $1.358 billion in sales in 2010.
• 8,240 new romance titles were released in 2010.
• Romance fiction sales are estimated at $1.368 billion for 2011.
• 74.8 million people read at least one romance novel in 2008. (source: RWA Reader Survey)
(source: Business of Consumer Book Publishing 2011)

Those statistics are nothing to ignore or deride. Romance novels, whether contemporary, historical, suspense, inspirational, paranormal, or any of many sub-genres, outsell every other fiction genre. Be proud, whether you write or read (or both!) romance.

 As romance writers, our job is to show that women are as individual as snowflakes. But whether blonde, brunette, redhead, white, black, brown, tall or short, they share one thing in common.  Our heroines prove over and over that love really can conquer all.  Our heroines' strength is a reflection of our own and lives in our souls and in our hearts.  We are the mothers, the sisters, the grandmothers, the daughters, the friends.  Without us, there would be no tomorrow.

Be proud.  Roar.

There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. - WASHINGTON IRVING, The Sketch Book